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Overall Rating
  Awesome: 22.55%
Worth A Look: 30.39%
Average: 13.73%
Pretty Bad: 4.9%
Total Crap: 28.43%
3 reviews, 84 user ratings
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| Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers |
by Dr. Isaksson
"Shit in a Shatner Mask"
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How can I describe my feelings for this film in a way that you could understand? Being a huge fan of the first "Halloween" all I can say is that "Halloween 4 The Return of Michael Myers" is a film that I truly despise but yet, whenever I catch it on cable I love to watch it. It probably ranks in the top 5 of the stupidest fucking sequels in a world filled with horrifically bad sequels. I honestly think this is worse than "Jaws The Revenge". And I'll try and prove my point.Well first off, the film begins with two scared paramedics who have to transfer a patient from one asylum to another. But that patient is Michael Myers! Oh scary! But wait! He's been in a coma for 7 years after Halloween II. There's only one problem with this scenario. Michael Myers EXPLODED in the second one and burned to ASH!!!!! I mean, come on people, HE BLEW UP and toppled over and burned! But since everyone got all pissed cause Halloween III didn't have him in it and the Akkad family wanted to cash in on this killer. So, amazingly, all Mikey has suffered from the explosion is a few burns and such. So now when we do see him for the first time here he is bandaged from head to toe. Even his head is wrapped up completely. How convenient. So the paramedics take him out of the ridiculously dark hospital. (so dark that I wonder anyone working there had ever heard of a fluorescent light) and load him into the back of the ambulance. Of course he wakes up suddenly and pushes his finger through the skull of the male paramedic. Now, that's a lot of strength for someone who's been in a coma for 7 years and even in the original Halloween Mike was just an average guy with average strength who just happened to be a psycho killer. So where his superpower (AKA Jason Voorheis), came from I'll never know. Nor do I give a shit because this crap gets worse.
So we enter the life of a little girl named Jamie Lloyd (Danielle Harris). Jamie is Laurie Strode's daughter but Laurie I guess is dead or something. Whatever. Jamie is in foster care with a family and has a half sister named Rachel (Ellie Cornell). Jamie has been suffering from nightmares about the bogeyman (or as Jamie calls him "The Nightmare Man!") and Rachel is sick of this new sister coming in and spoiling her teenage fun. Rachel has plans for Halloween to go out with a guy named Brady who she has the hots for. But Jamie is ruining it with her psycho tendencies. Geeze what a brat. Her mom is dead and her uncle is killing people, just get over it Krispy Kreme! Oh yeah and all of this is happening on Halloween night so Jamie must go out and get a clown costume and literally walks into Michael while at the local five and dime. How the fuck did Mike get in that tiny store and supposedly get another Shatner Mask without anyone seeing him? How did he know who his niece was? How did he know where she was going to be that afternoon? Oh so many questions, No reasonable answers.
So Michael is on the loose and wants to kill Jamie. But for some reason he didn't want to do it at the store so he takes off. So what does Rachel and Jamie do? They go trick or treating! Rachel catches Brady, the guy she wants to hook up, getting it on with the town slut and has a Dawson's creek moment with him and after some worthless dialogue, Michael shows up. During these events Dr. Loomis (A half senile Donald Pleasence, who's probably just in this for the check) is once again trying to find Michael and stop him before he can kill his niece Jamie. OH YEAH, I know, Dr. Loomis exploded in Halloween II also but he just suffered a little burn on his face and hand. Why Loomis even bothers to try and shoot Michael is unclear because you can't kill evil. Loomis should know better by now. He's gone on and on about how evil is undestructable but the sequels must go on.
So many things in Halloween 4 were not clearly thought out and I can and will go through a few scenes which have no semblance to sense. How the hell can Michael get into the house that Jamie and Rachel are in without anyone noticing? They have police guarding the place yet he's already inside and killing them off before they can even eat a donut. Brady, Rachel and Jamie on the other hand can't get out because the lock is made of metal and apparently a shotgun blast at point blank range can't open a METAL lock on a door. So they end up finding an escape though an upstairs window and climb out onto the roof. Michael quickly catches up to them and a slightly exciting scene occurs but that's about as good as this gets and of course he fails to kill them and disappears again.
Then there's a few more chase scenes and Michael just appears in every single place Jamie and Rachel run to. He's apparently gained the ability to transport himself to any area he chooses and quickly kills off anyone who is standing within 2 feet of him. Beam him to the next killing Scotty! Of course there has to be some angry townsfolk in this film. A group of fat, hillbillies grab their guns and go after Myers only to shoot some guy who was whacking off in the bushes. Oh poor Ted Hollister! Life is so unfair. Yes, this is the best that the screenwriter could come up with! There are more problems that are too stupid to go into detail so I'll just list them.
1. Michael Myers' mask has big uneven eyebrows.
2. The guy driving the pickup with the bunch of gun toting rednecks is obviously deaf because he doesn't hear all of his drinking buddies getting thrown off the back.
3. Never trust the police cause they can't seem to protect 3 people in a house.
4. That little girl should have never talked to an old crazy Dr. who reeks of Ben Gay and Vodka. "Where's Gilda!"
5. Jamie ultimately gains the evil power to kill at the close of this film yet in 'Halloween 5' she's a terrified victim again.
6. Why can't Alan Haworth play the theme of 'Halloween' correctly? It sounds like a kid banging on a toy piano.
To sum this crap up.
7. Just never.. ever go trick or treating when you're uncle's in town.Geeze... "Halloween 4" is neither scary nor interesting and even the music sucks. Still, if I catch this on AMC I'm gonna watch because I am a masochist for "Halloween" sequels or as I like to call them, "Shit in a Shatner Mask."
 del.icio.us 
link directly to this review at http://efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=1129&reviewer=296
originally posted: 02/29/04 09:44:57
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USA
21-Oct-1988 (R)
DVD: 25-Jul-2006
UK
03-Nov-1989 (18)
Australia
09-Feb-1989 (M)
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