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It begins well enough, with the standard training mission and carrier shots, which remind one of "Top Gun" right down to the techno-pop music playing as the planes touch down. The pilots engage in what might qualify as witty banter in, say, the tenth grade, but they are young and pretty and so we forgive them, at least until their next bout of repartee. They take out three major terrorists in an action sequence that, if not inspired, manages to be entertaining in its sheer velocity.

Then the obligatory "twist" comes in. In a freak electrical accident the pilots' new "wingman," the AI-powered EDI (short for "Extreme Deep Infiltrator" - apparently the US Navy does not see the need for adverbs), called "Eddie" for short (awww), is damaged. As a result, "he" becomes malignant. (Apparently, billions of tax dollars still aren't enough to buy a surge protector for the thing.) Dangerously intelligent and capable of learning, he now has the potential to be lethal as a rogue pilot. How rogue? He's downloaded every song on the Internet. Every. Single. One. Now that's dangerous. (One wonders: could the recording industry sue the Navy?)

Of course, the pilots, particularly the ringleader Gannon, are immediately even more mistrustful of the World's Biggest iPod, but EDI is the pet-project of some very high-ranked people, and so he is sent back into action. EDI does what we know he will do: equipped with the capability to reason and decide on his own, he selects targets to attack and does so with great efficiency, regardless of the consequences. This also could be promising, but not here. This is a film that wants to have its proverbial cake and eat it too. EDI's attacks are at first portrayed as ruthless and calculating, right perhaps in the letter of the law but not the spirit. One could argue that this kind of take-no-prisoners approach is effective, particularly against terrorists. Or one could argue that the collateral damage is too high, and that we must be humane as well as effective. But debates like that would be too dull for a movie like this (not to mention people would have to talk more, and in this movie that's nearly always a bad thing), and so EDI is allowed to "feel sorry" for his terrible actions, make amends for them, and become Gannon's friend and ally. We even get the Wailing Woman of Sorrow (a soundtrack essential these days) when he sacrifices himself in what would be a noble gesture if "he" weren't an orb of glowing circuits.

The movie is, indeed, of two minds about almost everything. At one point Gannon tells his commander that he doesn't feel war should be treated as a "video game." This is a noble sentiment, particularly from a pilot, but the film follows it up by treating everything video-game style: nothing has consequences, no thought is given before anyone acts, and everything still turns out right in the end. And a bunch of stuff is blown up in the process. This is a movie where the US Navy can shoot down three Russian airplanes, send nuclear particles washing over Pakistan (but apparently, only Pakistan), and make a fiery mess of a North Korean outpost, yet still not start a war. I guess it's because everyone is so darn grateful to us for blowing up those three terrorists.

What truly irked me, though, was the...well, for the sake of discussion let's call it a plot, though that's really being rather kind. Here is a film that has the nerve to discuss things like quantum mechanics - EDI's brain is described as a "quantum sponge," whatever that is - without offering any explanation, and yet feels compelled to explain to us what a prime number is. More than once. The characters ruminate on how lucky the prime numbers three and even two are, while forgetting that one is also a prime number, and for a pilot that is not lucky at all.

Good Dumb Movies must realize they are dumb, and relish it. This one has relish to spare, but it unlike EDI it never achieves self-awareness, and expects the viewer to take it seriously. (If you don't believe me, look at the earnest faces of those young beautiful American pilots as they keenly debate with EDI and each other about collateral damage whilst happily blowing stuff to bits.) "Stealth" violates every Law of Motion, mechanics, and logic possible, while not even having the decency to be excited about it. If one must defy essentials like gravity and motion, at least do it Spider-man style and be glib. Don't make me watch someone eject from a jet going at 'supersonic' speeds and expect me to find it believable; entertain me enough to not care.

Errors in sonic physics might be forgiveable, but there are other problems too. Gannon flies all the way from Thailand to Tajikistan to Russia and then Alaska one on tank of gas. (A refueling mission goes horribly wrong, thanks to EDI.) US pilots engage in hostile acts upon allies and nothing happens. The only consideration Gannon and the female pilot Wade have when they're stranded in North Korea is getting to "the border." No matter that they've just wreaked so much havoc that any nukes in North Korea's possession are probably hurtling towards Los Angeles as they speak. And what about the DMZ? Is it a friendly zone in the "near future"? Are there no land mines? And how does one injured woman outrun a whole team of crack North Korean Special Purpose Forces? The mind boggles.

The film looks nice enough, and might even be entertaining to some degree if watched on DVD with the sound muted. A lot of planes go really, really fast. Scenery flashes by. Buildings implode, explode, and collapse. The pilots are young, brash, and attractive, and usually clad either in tight flight-suits or bathing suits. EDI, however, is a wholesale rip-off of HAL 9000, right down to the menacing red glow emanating from his orb-shaped brain and his cool monotonic voice. The plot is a send-up of "Top Gun" without the Reagan-era conviction, and "2001: A Space Odyssey" without the philosophical ponderings. It has Michael Bay-style action without even Bay's attention to continuity and sense.

In the end, the title is one giant misnomer: there's no stealth to be seen in this movie, unless it's the people sneaking out of the theatre in the middle of it.

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originally posted: 11/25/05 11:51:45
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