I am not longer afraid of death. Death, it seems, could not possibly be any more arduous than "You've Got Mail." This "Movie" really "sucks"...
"Really."Yeah, okay we all know that romantic comedies are movies that we have to go see with our wives/girlfriends so when we sit at home and watch "Nasty Cab Rides IV" for the seventh time we don't catch a lot of shit. And our wives/girlfriends LOVE Meg Ryan. I mean they absolutely love her. She's cute, shmarmy and so perky she could kill Ron Jeremy's erection... And Tom Hanks! Oh! Tom Hanks! Mr. Oscar, Mr. Phillidelphia! Mr. Forest Gump! The most respected actor in hollywood. Doth we all forget Splash? Bachelor Party? Bosom Buddies for fuck sake? Yes apparently we all do. But don't worry, this "You've Got Mail" movie thing will make Splash look like motha fuckin' Citizen Kane. You want plot? Too bad, but I'll tell you what passes for one in this. Tom Hanks is an asshole who owns some huge corporate book store, and Meg Ryan owns some little book store with Ellen Degeneres and they laugh and talk about raising a child and the girl from dawson's Creek gets naked and... Oh wait, that's something else. Anyway, shit goes down, Tom and Meg hate each other, Evil Tom closes meg's store, but along the way they meet in a chat room not knowing who each other is and they fall in love. Yeah...
I think a better film would be if Tom Hanks played a thriteen year old boy (ala Martin Short's performance in Clifford. Now THAT's oscar caliber action!) who robs Meg's store and gets thrown in jail. Between sessions of hot inmate love, he would e-mail Meg, who has cyber sex with him and ends up getting thrown in jail herself for kiddie porn. They meet in jail (ala Tim Robbins and Azim from RobinHood in The Shawshank Redemption) and Tom Hanks humps Meg's butt until the credits roll. Now that's a romantic comedy! I don't know if my wife/girlfriend would aprreciate it as much though.I would have titled this one "Saving Meg Ryan" except after this movie nothing can anymore. Throw in the towel Meg. And please, tell Tom to follow suit.
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