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In the 70's, everyone was just discovering the value of shock. The Exorcist aad Taxi Driver had opened a can of whup ass on an unsuspecting and rubbernecking public, and John Waters Pink Flamingoes was packing them into repertory houses across the USA, and so Dino D went out with the aim of giving the people what they wanted to see. Crime! Sex! Guns! Freaks! Fat cops with bad hats and cigars!

And most importantly, wood paneling and wide collars with big fat points.

So Chuck is an architect (a job description sadly lacking in 'man against the world' action flicks), who one day finds his wife has been murdered and daughter raped by a gang of spray-can touting 'freaks'. They burst in and (horror of horrors) spray paint the walls. Oh, those wacky freaks. Of course, they also spraypaint Chuck's daughter's ass, make her eat assorted bodyparts, laugh like jackals and break shit.

One of those freaks would be one day known as Jeff Goldblum, but here he's known simply as Freak #2, and his character has the proud distinction of "painting the mouth" of Chuck's daughter with his Johnson. Next time you see Jeff in the street, remind him of this scene. My bet is he wants you not to, which shall make it all the more fun when you do.

So after the freaks pack-rape Bronson's li'l girl, off his missus, and then they jump up and down and hoot and holler a lot, because, you know, gang members do that. And they say "yeah mama" cos they're so 'street'. I think one of them smoked a joint too, which is just rubbing salt into the wound. You can never get the smell of weed out of black velvet.

So then Chucky gets home and, boy, is he pissed. His mama is dead, and anyone who knows anything knows a fifty year old guy has a tough time getting laid, especially in those clothes. And that stain on the carpet will never get clean. It's time to bust out the Amway.

But that's not all. Chucky's daughter has had her mouth painted by Jeff Goldblum. I'd be pissed at that. She's certainly been tainted by it, because she dribbles a lot now and won't talk. I guess she knows where that tongue has been and doesn't want to let it loose on an unsuspecting public.

So now Chuck has flipped the mental switch and is packing heat. He's after the freaks, and of course Chuck being Chuck, it only takes him a night to track them down and make with the killing.

But oh no! The cops are on his tail! Big fat jewish cops! With cigars and hats! Well, one fat cop anyway.

Will Chuck get caught by the cop, or will he become the hero of our nation? For all the answers just be sure to tune in to this.. I mean, rent the video. It's a hoot.

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originally posted: 08/24/99 01:21:52
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