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As near as I can figure out, the setting for KNIGHTS is a postapocalyptic world ruled by cyborgs that run on human blood, which makes this a strange hybrid of THE TERMINATOR and LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (“feed me, Seymour!”) Since our descendents are now little more than animate bottles of Quaker State, they’ve taken to living like wildmen out in the hills and trying to evade capture. Among them is the wildhaired Kathy Long, an ex-kickboxing champ marking her first foray into the Norris-ian world of flying kicks and limited facial expressions. Kathy wants revenge for the killing of her parents, and she finds her mentor in good-hearted cyborg Kristofferson (who apparently has a different fuel source since he isn't angling for blood – maybe he converted to ethanol back in the day...) Kris makes with the Mister Miyagi bit and teaches Kathy how to wax-on and wax-off, not to mention the only way to kill a cyborg (just as you’d expect -- a dagger to the forehead).

Meanwhile the cyborgs are out gunning for Kris and Kathy, lead by none other than Bishop himself, Lance Henrikson. Now, if you thought Lance was a low-key guy based on his somnambular turn as Frank Black on MILLENIUM a couple years ago, think again. Here he’s an over-the-top nutbag with a clunky robotic arm that looks like it’s made out of Kleenex boxes and silver duct tape, and with a dildo-like attachment to boot. He mutters a lot, and sometimes in closeup he'll laugh maniacally and then immediately sneer and look petulant, like he's channeling Jim Varney from DR. OTTO AND THE RIDDLE OF THE GLOOM BEAM. Oh yeah, and did I mention that he drools a lot? Don’t ask me why, maybe the servos for his salivary glands are on the fritz, but every time he barks a command or growls in faux-Shakespearian meter, the spit really flies. An interesting acting choice by the Juiciest Man in Hollywood, hands down.

KNIGHTS is so bad you can’t help but love it. I mean, there’s so much buttery goodness here! A buffed-up dame laying down the whupass after just a few weeks of instruction. Bad guys (both mechanical and organic) who are cooperative enough to throw a punch and then wait patiently to get their asses kicked up ‘tween their shoulderblades. A chief villain with wild eyes and a drippy chin (and the dildo, don’t forget the dildo...) A well-known country singer/ songwriter sticking knives in people’s foreheads. And if that doesn’t sway you, at least stick around for the following scene: Kathy sneaks into the cyborg camp to rescue Kris, only to find out he was blown up by a rocket and is lying in pieces like a post-flying-monkey Scarecrow. But he’s still functional, so she sticks his upper torso in a bag, throws it over her shoulder and tries to make an escape. That’s when the villains attack, and there are too many for her alone. So she hands a machette to Kris and his upper half fights the ones behind her while she duels the ones ahead, and then they switch from time to time. Wait, it gets better. Kris doesn’t feel right kicking ass from inside a bag on someone’s back and who could blame him, so he kills one cyborg, chops him in two at the waist and then puts on the guy’s hips and legs like slipping on a pair of jeans! Whee!

Check out this exchange toward the end after Kris has punched Lance's clock and he's lying there with jelly all over his face and one fake eye hanging out on his cheek (eerily prescient of his scenes in the abysmal ALIEN III):

Lance: Its not over. There are more...hundreds more.
The Master Builder has created an army that will
roll across the face of the earth like a tidal wave...

Hundreds of cyborgs? Well, if they're gonna roll across the whole earth, they better space 'em pretty far apart. But wait, I interrupted Lance's big death scene:

Lance: aargh, let me die my death. I have never experienced
the pain of birth. There you are! Wrap me in your
wings like a black parrot..."

Huh?! At least that's what it sounds like he said. Maybe the DVD has a Lance commentary where he explains it (and if it doesn't, by golly, it should!)

Rumor has it that the cliffhanger ending was more an economic choice than artistic (i.e., they ran out of money and had to go home). But no matter, it’s a wonderful place for a sequal. Hopefully with a special guest appearance by Willie Nelson as a cyborg enforcer.

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originally posted: 01/20/02 13:53:17
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