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So, as you can see, they didn’t make “The Order” for people like me. My parents did not raise me religiously. I attended religious classes after school here and there, but only to keep me off the streets once my under-funded public school let out. I’m not Catholic, Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist or Pagan. I was raised in the church of Inconsistent Agnostic Vaguery. Ours is a frustrating faith, one that requires much sleep and co-dependency. Anyone can join. I didn’t choose this faith, so much as it chose me. Had I wound up with a more direct line to God, maybe I would be able to see the entertainment value in “The Order,” but as it is, I have to ask: Just who is “The Order” (and movies like it) made for?

Do people look in the paper and get ecstatic when they see an ad for a movie like “The Order” and say, “Honey, look! They made another movie in which a priest must battle Hellish demonic souls in some European underworld (in this case, Rome) due to a prophecy that took place 400 years ago! And it stars Heath Ledger!”? Somehow, I just don’t think so. Do people actively seek out movies that take place in rustic old churches that have inconsistently placed light shafts? Probably not. Do people form movie clubs and discussion groups that analyze the biblical references and subtexts of these movies? I pray that they don’t.

As for people who don’t review movies and choose to attend “The Order,” I have to ask: Did you care? Did you care when Driscoll (Peter Weller) showed up at Father Alex Bernier’s (Heath “A Knight’s Tale” Ledger) church to tell him his crotchety old mentor just died under mysterious circumstances? Did you feel any romantic tension when Mara Sinclair (Shannon “A Knight’s Tale” Sossamon) showed up on Alex’s doorstep after breaking out of an insane asylum? Did you feel the story take off when Alex and Mara embarked on a trip to Rome to investigate the murder/suicide of said mentor? No?

Okay, what about when the wacky sidekick, Thomas (Mark Addy) shows up? Did you start to feel the comic relief kick in? Not even when he made his eloquent speech on how humor keeps him alive and not women? When William Eden (Benno Furman) offered Alex immortality, did you weigh the pros and cons in your head and set it against the backdrop of the looming romantic tension between Alex and Mara? I’m guessing you didn’t.

Fine. What about the Sin Eaters? Did you follow the yackety-yack about who they are, what they do, how long they have been around, what they have to do with the main character, their place in God’s scheme of things? Did you try to guess who that mysterious deep-voiced person was behind the dark mask? Did you wonder how many extras from those scenes wandered off the set of “Eyes Wide Shut”? Did you pay close attention to the bald guy dressed in drag who said and contributed absolutely nothing?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!

Did you try to see Mara’s bare breasts during the love-making? If you’re a guy, yes. Did you check your watch after the 10-minute mark? If you’re human, yes! Did you poke your neighbor in the ribs and demand “What in the name of all that is holy is going on in this movie!?!” Naturally. Were you miles ahead of every twist even though you couldn’t possibly care less? I have undoubtedly read your mind. Did you cringe in fear of yet another embarrassing soliloquy about the wonders of sunflowers (“God’s most beautiful mistake”)? We all did. It's okay. (The movie ends up being about Weller's character wanting to be a Pope. Hey, I'd like to hang out with Bono, too, but there are other ways.)

So, again, for whom do they make these movies? Heath Ledger fans? How far off the path of good taste you have to stray in order to be a fan of this guy? How is it that his character shaves the same random spots on his face every day? How does a guy get top billing when he can’t even out-act the two creepy children that lurk in the corners of this movie’s storyline? At least they have one expression to their credit. When Ledger tries to emote tragedy, his acting job is so bad it borders on performance art.

The unfortunate reality is that we don’t actually get to see anybody staple olive loaf to their forehead in the name of art, but we do get the silliness of it. At one point, a character in the movie says, “It’s best not to intellectualize something so visceral.” Agreed. Large quantities of boredom such as this should not be questioned, only discarded. In the end, “The Order” will join the ranks of every “Exorcist” sequel, “Stigmata,” “Last Rites” and “Lost Souls” as being just another stupid religious thriller that installs the Catholic church into its storyline in order to arouse controversy, thereby arousing the curiosity of the American public. It’s so obvious. Don’t you just hate that?

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link directly to this review at http://efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=8127&reviewer=233
originally posted: 09/07/03 08:33:41
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