Overall Rating Awesome: 18.52% Worth A Look: 11.11% Average: 14.81% Pretty Bad: 18.52% Total Crap: 37.04% 1 review, 21 user ratings

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Red Sonja

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Price:		$9.49
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by Indiana

"The kid from sidekicks ditches Buck Rodgers for film fame!"

Ernie Reyes Jr. What kid in the 80's didn't watch him and instantly want to be a Karate Master? I didn't. He's a complete fag.

Arnold is pretty cool. I'll admit it. T2 and Predator kicked ass. So I have to ask, what the hell was he thinking? I for one know exactly what he was thinking. He heard that Brigitte Nielson was in this movie and said to himself (in an Austrian accent), "I think I'll do this movie so I can fuck my rival's wife up the ass in my trailer between takes!" Austrians. Gotta love 'em.

Okay, for the sake of a mildly entertaining review we'll skip the plot of this movie (Good for laughs, though it has about as much depth as the popular children's book "everybody poops"). And we'll skip the fact that it was a loose tie-in to the other two Conan Movies (and by loose I mean the only reason RED SONJA was the title was because CONAN THE SODOMIZER would never make it past the ratings board). Instead, we'll head straight to the pinnacle of awesome 80's gimmicks.

Little kids who know karate!

Yes, Ernie Reyes Jr. knows karate better than Bryant Gumbel knows how to exploit his race. Ernie was in that show Sidekicks, with the guy who played Buck Rodgers. Good show (if you're six and have Down's syndrome), but this movie is better.

Ernie plays some prince that Arnold and some fat child molester must protect from evil. Interestingly enough, they decide the best way to protect him would be to find where the head bad chick's fortress is and slay her and all six thousand of her stunt double henchmen. But then again it's okay because Ernie "Knows Kung Fu" (take that Keanu Reeves you big ass clown!)

Okay, this review is way too long, and I'm sorry. Ernie, if you're reading this (between crack hits that is), I really did think you were cool when I was five and my idea of a good time was not shitting myself at school. You suck greasy cock!

You know when you watch old home movies of your big disgustingly fat assed aunt getting drunk and lip-synching to Boston songs and you laughed because she was SO fat, not because she was all that funny?.. I do...

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link directly to this review at http://efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=943&reviewer=194
originally posted: 12/08/99 16:24:46

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User Comments

3/05/06 Daveman Hilarious at first but the joke wears thin... fast. 1 stars

10/08/05 0-guy57 You're right he is a fag and how did u know he smoke crack. (cuz he does) 1 stars

2/23/05 ALDO watch while your a kid....i enjoyed it then !!!....As an adult..it sucked!! 2 stars

5/22/04 John looks like it should have gone straight to video - music only redeeming factor 2 stars

2/28/04 c.r a pretty good movie, I love red sonja! but movie wasn't cool has conan the barbarian. 3 stars

8/13/03 3man Terrible acting. I liked the Conan movies better. 3 stars

4/01/03 Mr. Do great acting. 3 stars

1/11/03 kittycatt44 Eddie was tops to me as he is the splitting emage of my son at 10-12 .Looking for photos. 5 stars

7/10/02 Danielle Ophelia Didn't improve with age, but I loved it in grade school, so... 3 stars

4/05/02 Scott Sumner Beyond suckfest 1 stars

3/04/02 Wooderd Awesome Brigitte Nielsen is HOT 5 stars

12/04/01 auroradae definitely sharp cheddar, but still one of my all time favorites. girl-power! 5 stars

8/16/01 Dakamus The most fucking awesome cheese movie ever. 5 stars

5/03/01 Gracy Lionheart Ok, it's a bad movie...but I thought anything with swords in it was cool as a kid. Memories 4 stars

4/11/01 Jesse L Great Saturday afternoon movie...Indiana is a moron 4 stars

12/09/99 Ryan Phillipe gets hit by a car and it rules!!! HEY INDIANA, Boston sucks your microscopic cock. Ernie Hudson rules, so does this movie! 5 stars

10/26/99 Karahde Khan Simply stupid. The kid is annoying. And why isn't Conan named Conan? 1 stars

6/10/99 Homer J. Simpson I wish Arnold never made this film,hit herts me to watch it 2 stars

1/09/99 Jo Mama barbarian chick! YES! heh hehh hehh ehh 4 stars

10/30/98 Silent Rob Best watched with 'reds-in-ya'!!! 2 stars

10/14/98 Chi-Fan Hu Boring, not much there. 2 stars

IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA 03-Jul-1985 (PG-13) DVD: 06-Jul-2004 UK N/A Australia N/A

Directed by Richard Fleischer Written by Robert E. Howard Clive Exton George MacDonald Fraser Cast Arnold Schwarzenegger Brigitte Nielsen Sandahl Bergman Paul Smith Ernie Reyes Jr. Ronald Lacey

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